I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
