When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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