just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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