I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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