I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
