I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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