It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
