Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
