we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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