I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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