Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
farters have to be the big spoon...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
