So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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