We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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