So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
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