I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
