no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
