I'm laying in your front yard are you home
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Randomize
