hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
