DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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