dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
