he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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