if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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