And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
