tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
