just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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