Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
