so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
