just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
