getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
