i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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