UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
