i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
