Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
