Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
