i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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