My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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