There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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