i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU