ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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