Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize