I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
