my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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