Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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