I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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