I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
