maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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