Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
