then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize