Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
