would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
