I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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