by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
