Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
