I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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