Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
