Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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