when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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