i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
