The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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