how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
