Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize