We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
