You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
