Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
